As a family, we recently returned from a vacation to France, the land of my origin and a mystical place in many ways. Within that three-week vacation, we took a trip to the region of Auvergne to get reacquainted with the roots of my mother’s family, for nine days. We were a family of five, including my brother and mother who live in France. They do not speak English when the remainder of my family here in the US speaks little French.
It was a most challenging trip at times and yet a beautiful one which has etched in our minds and hearts beautiful memories of meeting new people (i.e., our young cousins) and discovering new lands. We stayed in a locale at the border –so to speak—between the départements (~counties) of Haute-Loire (where my maternal grandparents were born) and Ardèche.
It was most challenging because of the consciousnesses involved—that how I saw it this time, with a burgeoning one (our son, who is 4-years old) and a wilting one, my mother’s, at the grand age of almost 87. Challenging because my mother is slowly but surely en train de perdre la téte (losing her mind) and because what we experienced in our childhood, my brother and I, is catching up with us whenever we travel as a family. Interestingly, despite losing her short-term memory, my mother has preserved the traits that would constrain us most while growing up, and which are now directed at our son, for whatever reason. These traits and fears have to do with authoritarianism and its corollary, the need to control; fear of the dark when night comes; and time pressure—traits which appear to be impeccably intact despite the years. They do not manifest as strongly as they did forty years ago, but when they do, they rub all of us the wrong way.
I only lost my cool once when, positioned behind our son and I, my mother ordered me to stop serving him pasta. I pushed her aside, so that she wouldn’t have sight of the pasta bar, and our son noticed it. He asked right away why I pushed her aside; I explained to him later on. Even though he may not have a strong command of the French language, he understands some of what goes on.
The rest of the time, my brother and I ignored my mother’s remarks and her words or facial expressions fell on deaf ears and blind eyes. Given the high level of assistance she requires from us (she has diabetes and frail legs, meaning she can hardly walk more than fifty meters), it is a delicate balance to find between caring for an individual at the twilight of her life and asserting oneself whenever necessary.
This is the second time in sixteen months that I find myself in a similar situation, being at the intersection of various consciousnesses, languages and worldviews. This time around, I felt more confident and almost enjoyed the challenge, torn that I was at times between conflicting directions and sometimes criticisms. One thing that rang true, deep down within, is that I need to follow my own voice, my own intuition. When I think or feel that something is right, I need to follow through and ignore the contradictory remarks of those surrounding me.
There was a peculiar moment when this became crystal clear to me. On Friday afternoon, after a delicious lunch in a local auberge, we went to visit an attraction called “Miniature Haute-Loire” which offered various buildings and sites of the département recomposed in an open area. There was a steep road above the parking lot and a sign forbidding any cars to go any further. I knew my mother wouldn’t be able to climb that hill and I drove off the parking lot to explore the area. My brother asked me to continue further ahead, and another member of the family suggested we go elsewhere. Instead I looped around, came back to the parking lot, parked the car and walked up the hill to inquire about the possibility of driving up the road with a low-mobility person. The attendant was very understanding and we ended up parking further up, next to the entrance of the site.
It’s noteworthy that I mentioned a steep road that I needed to walk on my own because, metaphorically, this is how I feel about the first eight months of 2014. I had to climb up a hill, my pace was extremely sluggish, I had little visibility and it felt like I didn’t accomplish much. Now that we have returned from France, I feel that I am “over the hump” and that the remainder of the journey will be more enjoyable.
It also felt like a clot in a vein; it bothered me for a while, impeded my progress, and now, under the effect of “burning up some additional family karma,” for the benefit of my entire family, both here in the US and France, I feel somehow liberated. This feeling is hard to put into words, but a burden of some sort has been lifted off my shoulders; or so it seems.
Since we came back, I’ve had periods of bliss which, interestingly, occurred in the evening. One of these periods occurred two days in a row and made me wonder. The feeling is still artificial (i.e., ego-driven) but it noticeable enough that I want to question and honor it at the same time.
One intriguing thing also happened five days ago. I received a LinkedIn message from a person working at VoiceAmerica, a radio network which produces and broadcasts live and on demand talk radio programming. This person offered me the possibility of becoming a host. This is just a possibility at this point, and we need to talk some more, but the synchronicity of this call following our trip to France is simply amazing. I have had the same profile on LinkedIn for about two years now—that of a spiritual companion—and it hasn’t produced any significant interest.
Have the times really changed, and is it time to merge into a different being?
One more beautiful synchronicity occurred last night. Right after finishing the writing of this post, I came across, via a post on Facebook, an article that addresses my very situation. The article is entitled, Letting Go of your Birth Family.
Here is a short excerpt that may very well appeal to your spiritual palate. Thanks go to Dennis at Silent Wind of Change for posting it.
It takes both the male energy of self-consciousness and discernment and the female energy of love and understanding to release yourself from ego based consciousness. Regarding your parents, discernment means that you distance yourself from the fear ridden and limiting energies they have fed you. Remember the importance of “the energy of the sword” that I mentioned in the beginning. To let go of your birth family in the spiritual sense, you need to be able to distinguish between their energy and your own and you need to be able to “cut the cords” that limit and suffocate you…Releasing the ties to the parental energy means first and foremost to release the energy from your own mind and emotions. It is about looking within and finding out to what extent you implicitly live by your parents’ set of illusions, by their do’s and don’ts which were based on fear and judgment.
…Once you are clear about this and you allow yourself to let that go, you will be free to forgive them and really “leave the parental house.” It is only after you sever the cords on the inner level and take responsibility for your own life that you can really let your parents be. You will have clearly said “no” to their fears and illusions (sword of discernment), but at the same time you will see that your parents are not identical with their fears and illusions. They also are children of God simply trying to fulfill their soul mission. Once you feel this, you can feel their innocence and you can forgive.
Lightworkers and their parents
…When they start their incarnation, lightworkers have the confidence deep down that they will find their way out that they will overcome the limiting energy of their birth family. However when they are actually born on earth and grow up, they are exposed to the same dilemmas and confusions as any other child. In a certain sense they experience this confusion more deeply and more intensely. Because they are spiritually aware souls who are often older and wiser than their parents, they are very much aware that “something is not right” about the energy of their environment. On the inner level they clash head-on with the parents’ energies, not understanding or resonating with their mind set or behavior. This clash causes great distress inside them, gentle and sensitive as they are. They have to find a way to survive emotionally, coping with the fact that they both love the parents dearly and are very different from them. This causes a lot of psychological problems in lightworkers ranging from loneliness, insecurity and fear to addiction, depression and self-destruction.
…The solitary struggle you all have to go through to discover your light is the heaviest burden for you. On the soul level you have chosen this path consciously, but to live through it as a child of flesh and blood is a painful thing that wounds you deeply. I urge you to feel and recognize this pain in yourself because, only by connecting to it, can you transform and release it. Once you know that wounded child inside that took the cross of alienation upon its fragile shoulders, you will get to the core of your burden. When you get to the core, the solution is nearby. You only need to embrace the pain of that child with a pure and deep awareness. From this awareness the energy of compassion and deep respect will reach out to the child. You will lift the cross just by being with yourself and truly loving and cherishing that part of you that is “different.” This is how you bring the child home and fulfill your mission as the pioneer that you are.