When the Light finally shines through
First thing this morning, February 5th, I watched a video of a father signing to his daughter on her wedding day (http://www.littlethings.com/dad-i-loved-you-first-surprise/).
The words of the song touched me so profoundly, instantly awakening an uncontrollable seizure of emotions of longing for my father…this eruption of feelings was sudden and totally swallowed me up. I allowed the flow of my tears, knowing…thinking “whoa, that is real cavernous pain…”What’s up?”
In my office, I am listening to your 2nd and 3rd broadcasts. The “Father” theme kept recurring in my inner ear and heart. I began to feel uncomfortable in my solar plexus to gradually feeling quite sick to my stomach, unable to sit still any longer.
We have very similar backgrounds. My dad was not emotionally available, hollered a lot, had zero patience and both parents were very critical. Fear prevailed in our home, not knowing what to expect at any given moment. My dad passed away 17 years ago but, today, he felt very much alive within me. I have done clearing work many, many times, and forgiven him and myself on very deep levels.
As you make reference, energetic patterns have a life of their own.
The other poignant point for me in your lectures was “core wounds can become sacred.” When there’s a crack, the light gets in.
Half way through the 3rd lecture, I am so deeply and unconsciously stirred. I head up to my room for what I thought was going to be prayers…instead, I feel inspired to journal.
The first words I write are “I loved you first”…and again I am overcome with such deep and confusing sorrow coming from the depth of my being. I continue to write, barely seeing the words, and certainly not thinking, only to allow my hands as the vehicle for Spirit to express Herself.
After giving voice to my pain through words, I feel the profound awareness of being engulfed by and dissolved into my soul. Held in her arms, I experience wholeness, having never been separated, abandoned, rejected, or criticized. Once again, I go through a litany of forgiveness. However, this time…in the fissure penetrates the light of Grace revealing the truth of my soul…I LOVED YOU FIRST.
Spelunker Kerplunk Clunker…WOW
This process has been going on for 4.5 hours. Hardly a moment, but where I live, there is no time; so veritably a Grace-filled moment indeed!
Friday, February 6th
Feeling quite sensitive all day yesterday…a day of inner reflection I thought to escape watching a movie. Well, up comes “The Book of Negroes.” So painful to watch, such planetary pain and injustice! Exactly what my ego needed to find its placement in the frequency of compassion for self but, more importantly, for others. OH MY! While I realize the importance of doing my inner excavating, the movie brought me perspective. My problems seemed so petty in comparison. Forgiveness was effortless, undemanding, and Grace filled my brokenness once again, with balance and equanimity.
I know my parents did the best they could, without any awareness and knowledge of the consequences of their mindless actions and words. Sorting through the unconscious brokenness of my mind without judgment is a gift I give myself. Watching that intense movie illustrated how my pain work is of global magnitude…as within, so without.