Getting There—David Wagoner

Posted on March 1, 2014 by new desert

This poem spoke to me very deeply.

Are we home yet and, as our son would say, “Where are we going?”

Enjoy!

Getting There — David Wagoner

You take a final step and, look, suddenly
You’re there. You’ve arrived
At the one place all your drudgery was aimed for:
This common ground
Where you stretch out, pressing your cheek to sandstone.

What did you want
To be? You’ll remember soon. You feel like tinder
Under a burning glass,
A luminous point of change. The sky is pulsing
Against the cracked horizon,
Holding it firm till the arrival of stars
In time with your heartbeats.
Like wind etching rock, you’ve made a lasting impression
On the self you were
By having come all this way through all this welter
Under your own power,
Though your traces on a map would make an unpromising
Meandering lifeline.

What have you learned so far? You’ll find out later,
Telling it haltingly
Like a dream, that lost traveler’s dream
Under the last hill
Where through the night you’ll take your time out of mind
To unburden yourself
Of elements along elementary paths
By the break of morning.

You’ve earned this worn-down, hard, incredible sight
Called Here and Now.
Now, what you make of it means everything,
Means starting over:
The life in your hands is neither here nor there
But getting there,
So you’re standing again and breathing, beginning another
Journey without regret
Forever, being your own unpeaceable kingdom,
The end of endings.

~ David Wagoner ~

(In Broken Country)

laugh

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Connecting the Dots and Shining the Light

Posted on February 27, 2014 by new desert

Connecting the Dots and Shining the Light

February 26

 

 

Hello Folks,

 

I am back in touch after a long interruption due to yet another trip to South-East Asia. It was a very “fruitful and delicate trip” (so to speak, and for many reasons that go beyond the scope of this post) and it was the second trip we took to this area in 15 months. I had written a ‘report’ of my first trip (October 2012), which was punctuated by a visit to France to see my recovering mother. I then had a very strong feeling of “maternal Love” submerging me as the Singapore Airlines plane approached Paris early that morning. In hindsight, this period of 15 months between our two trips, October 2012 and January 2014, turned out to be a period of “great birthing.”

 

At this point, it is difficult to clearly explain to the reader what happened to me a week ago as I reread the notes that I took during our previous trip. It is a fact that I didn’t realize what was going on during this “birthing period” and suddenly, as I reread my notes a week ago, the light shone through. Suddenly, there was clarity, and there was Light—light shed upon this feeling of Love that has been growing in me (there was a large portion about maternal love in my October 2012 document as, ditto, I then traveled from South-East Asia to France to visit my mother who was recovering from a broken hip and other ailments). This growing feeling of Love and its accompanying hormonal changes, as it was later explained to me, were enhanced by the presence and needs of our son. He allows me to nurture and cultivate something very precious, deep down in me, in relation to my mission to ‘bring Love’ to the world and I am very grateful for his presence and ‘high liveliness.’

 

purity

During this period, “things” happened and I had many unanswered questions that I kept close to my heart. These occurrences of the past 15 months started to make sense as I reconnected to my call for “inner child work” that I mentioned in my October 2012 document, but which had been ‘obscured’ all this time: this feeling of Love growing within, a friend’s inner child call on July 19 in Colorado and my seeing her in a cocoon of Love the next day, the resurgence, qualifying and let go of my ‘dark night of the soul’ which took place over 21 years ago, the fact that my hormone levels have gone up and down last year (testosterone was down, significantly, and prolactin, produced by the pituitary gland, and responsible for lactation in women, was up, slightly above normal) and so many other details that suddenly shone differently. Even my work with a dear friend in France will be affected by this crystal realization.

 

The best way I can describe how I felt is through metaphors. Two come to mind.

 

The first one is about decorations and garlands. As a child, imagine you help your parents decorate whatever area of the house with little lights. It looks very colorful to you (every light has a different color) and you look forward to the day when all these little lights will take life, thanks to an energy called electricity. You wait a long time and wonder why is it that your parents are taking so long to ‘do the trick.’ There must be a reason, a reason that escapes you. You even come to a point when you feel discouraged, and go on to play with other parts of your imagination—the little lights carefully stored in a corner of your psyche. And then, when you expect it the least, the light goes on all over the lights and it feels like MAGIC. There is no other word, and there is no other feeling, WONDER. You now know, and you bear the responsibility of lighting the area you worked so hard at. Thankfully, your hard work paid off, very beautifully.

 

The second metaphor is simpler. It is a rope bridge that I kept building and suddenly, after so much weaving and stretching left and right, I find myself on the other side. More than a feeling of relief at having safely arrived on the other side, I experience a feeling that “life can finally go on” and I don’t look back. Perhaps the precipice was too deep, perhaps the past is no longer meaningful, and there is a bit of both as I witness some old relationships lose meaning. Not that the friendships are gone, but the friends no longer call, or the desire to reach out to them is no longer there. They belong to another world, one that sits on the other side of what I call ‘the precipice.’ They were beautiful and alive at some point; they simply lost their juice and their appeal.

 

I cannot end this communication without relating an experience that was nothing short of extraordinary. It took place two days ago as I went to the nearby train station with our son, attending to one of his favorite activities: train watching; knowing there are slow trains, those that stop, and fast trains, those that don’t.

 

For whatever reason, I was consistently agitated that day, and it was very noticeable; the way I drove in the morning or the way I cut people short, on foot or on the road. Something was meant to happen. On the way out of the station, I have to admit that I deliberately took the wrong way out in the parking lot, in order to save time, and that I didn’t fully stop at the stop sign connecting us back to main road. A gentle man witnessed the scenes and he was quick to stop us. I had to explain our son what had just happened, and why those blue and red lights kept flashing behind his back. I mentioned to him the gentle man’s work and duty to protect us, and the fact that I had not been a good river. It took an eternity for the gentle man to return with a little piece of paper. He was extremely cordial and the adventure ended on a sweet note; we were only 5 minutes from home and our son told his Papa to “be careful!”

 

That evening, during my meditation time, I visualized the gentle man’s inner child, at the age of possibly 6 or 7, and sent him Love and Gratitude for what had happened. In retrospect, he certainly protected the two of us, as well as other drivers and passersby. What I didn’t expect is what I felt the next morning: a deep feeling of Love for this person. Never had something of this intensity happened to me, and I was very grateful for my ability to connect across the waves with someone I barely know.

 

Even more beautiful was the gentle man’s writing on the little piece of paper he left with us. I couldn’t see what he had written that evening, as it was too dark, and looked at it this afternoon. The single offence he mentioned gently reads: Obstructing passage to other drivers…

spirit awakening

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Before He Makes Each One by Rainer Maria Rilke

Posted on February 1, 2014 by new desert

Before He Makes Each One by Rainer Maria Rilke

Before He Makes Each One

Before he makes each one
of us, God speaks.

Then, without speaking,
he takes each one
out of the darkness.

And these are the cloudy
words God speaks
before each of us begins:

“You have been sent out
by your senses. Go
to the farthest edge
of desire, and give me
clothing: burn like a great
fire so that the stretched-out
shadows of the things
of the world cover
me completely.
Let everything happen
to you: beauty and terror.
You must just go–
no feeling is the farthest
you can go. Don’t let
yourself be separated
from me. The country
called life is close.
By its seriousness,
you will know it.
Give me your hand.”

~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~

(Translated by Annie Boutelle, Metamorphoses Fall 2001)

Posted in Authors, Quotes on consciousness | 3 Comments

Your Awakening is Imminent!

Posted on January 21, 2014 by new desert

Hello Folks,

I usually don’t post long messages from other authors as posts on the main page of Nurturing the Gift of Seeking, but this one struck a chord as I watch the snow falling upon the land. It is beautiful out here, in fact in here, within our deepest Self, and the peaceful whiteness that now envelops us gives it a special cachet!

Enjoy!

Your awakening from the illusion, from the unreality in which you have apparently been immersed for eons is imminent!

January 20, 2014 by John Smallman

There is only the ONE!  You all know that, even if many of you have trouble accessing that knowledge, that deep inner knowing. God, our Father, the Source of all that exists and in which all is contained, just IS.  And the Source is infinite, limitless, without boundaries – there is no beyond, there is only within, which has neither beginning nor end, it just IS, ALWAYS, EVERYWHERE.  It is inevitable, unavoidable, constantly supportive of all that exists in loving acceptance, never judging, just embracing and enfolding in the eternal field of LOVE.

There is absolutely nothing you need do or can do to be worthy, let alone more worthy in the sight of God.  He created you perfect and obviously you could not possibly improve on that, therefore stop reasoning, puzzling, wondering, doubting, and generally trying to make yourselves acceptable to God, because He created you like unto Himself, infinitely and eternally acceptable.  All that He creates is like unto Himself because all is within Him.  Just open your hearts to receive the abundance of Love in which you are at all times enveloped and release the doubts, worries, and anxieties that you allow to plague you, and then, once more, know that you are eternally divinely loved and cared for.

It is time to awaken from the dream, the nightmare, the illusion that has brought you so much unnecessary pain and suffering.  You chose to undergo the experience of separation by building an imaginary state that excluded God.  It could only be imaginary, unreal, because without God, truly separated from Him, there is nothing – no consciousness, no awareness, no life, no Love – and that is beyond all the bounds of possibility.  You are all permanently safe and secured in the loving arms of your Father, and that is what unchangeable means.

Love is eternal, unchangeable.  Life is an aspect of Love, as is consciousness, as is awareness, as is wakefulness, the state to which you are returning.  You never left it, but you did close your eyes and pretend to leave, and you are about to open them and discover that you are still just where you were when you closed them, at Home in the arms of your Father.  The bliss of knowing who You are, who You truly are is about to eliminate forever the endless pain and suffering in which the illusion has seemingly enshrouded you for so many eons.  You have collectively chosen to awaken and discard the illusion, and that is what is to happen – your awakening from the illusion, from the unreality in which you have apparently been immersed for eons is imminent!

The brilliance of what awaits you is ineffable.  Your emergence into the bright Light of Reality cannot be delayed any longer.  You need to wake up from the dream into the awe-inspiring wonder of Reality, your true and only Home, otherwise known by humanity as: Heaven, Paradise, the Garden of Eden, Nirvana, Shambhala, and myriad other names.  And, It is within You, always.  To awaken is to uncover your real identity as One with Source, in a state of infinitely flowing peace and harmony, where individual wills are united with the One Will and recognize themselves as essential undifferentiated aspects of that One Will.  And that recognition brings joy, utter and absolute joy, a knowing that surpasses all you have ever known, a wisdom beyond conceivability, and a peace that exalts and discloses an infinite possibility of creative opportunities with which you can engage.  Think of all the arts available to man that add beauty and wonder to your environment; they are as nothing compared to the possibilities awaiting you when you awaken.

this is a good sign

Limitation is of the illusion, a state in which difficulty and impracticality appear to impede and hinder nearly all your creative ventures no matter how inspiring and desirable they may appear to be.  Many of you do obtain satisfaction, sometimes amazing satisfaction, from overcoming difficulties, issues, problems, conflicts, and reversals as you strive to achieve the goals that others have set you, or that you have set for yourselves.  But suppose that the energy you used in doing so could instead be put wholeheartedly into your creative and artistic concepts – can you imagine how much more fulfilling that would be?

Striving and struggling have themselves become creative ventures for you, dimming your awareness of, your faint and distant memories of Reality.  You greatly honor those who succeed, especially where many others have tried and failed – and that is kind, compassionate, and generous – but it is also raising pain, suffering, and desolation to the point of being the purpose of the exercise during which they were experienced.  And much more attention tends to be focused on the suffering and indomitability that these determined ones have demonstrated rather than on what they have actually achieved.

To wage war successfully these “virtues” must be encouraged and honored, as they have been for eons.  But war itself is and never can be a success, as your worldly history demonstrates very clearly, time and time again.

The illusion encourages suffering and pretends to reward it.  But in truth those who are honored are quickly forgotten unless they continue to strive towards further achievements; and their rewards are very frequently severe bodily damage that further limits and restricts them as they tread their human life paths.  And, as forgotten heroes, they find themselves with much time to reflect on the roles that they have played, frequently discovering that they had not been fully true to themselves even though they had done their utmost to please those who commanded or directed them, and had done their best to support and protect those “on their team or their side.”  Some rise above this realization and learn to serve humanity, but many are overwhelmed with bitterness and an intense sense that their lives have been an unrelieved series of calamitous failures.  This, of course, is not the case.  Every human life, no matter how unconscionable and evil it may appear to have been has, in the long run, brought about essential changes in your thinking and in your beliefs.

All your human cultures, races, philosophies, religions, and other organizations – political, business, or social – hold divisive beliefs and values which they then uphold, encourage, persuade, and indeed attempt to enforce upon you, demanding that you embrace attitudes and behaviors that “supposedly” are for the ultimate good of all. They are not, purely because they are divisive.  You are all only too well aware of the maxim “divide and conquer,” and yet, when it is used for that specific purpose, no one seems to notice . . . until it is too late.  It is an insidious form of betrayal that has been used time and time again on a basically unsuspecting or unaware majority by an unelected elite whose constant and unchanging intent is to maintain or increase their power over humanity.

No more.  Collectively you have chosen to awaken from the illusion, and that is terrifying those who would control you, hence the ever-increasing attempts to introduce more new laws to further restrict the rights of the individual (“divide and conquer”) in the interests of maintaining the security of the nation from terrorist attacks which, unless forcefully prevented, are about to destroy it.  And fear has been so enthusiastically encouraged by all forms of advertising that many do feel threatened, unsafe, and would support almost any measure that is proclaimed to protect them from these intensely perceived but unreal threats.

You are all sovereign beings created in Love for an eternity of ecstatic joy, and those who would continue to support and maintain the illusion are doing their utmost to prevent you from becoming aware of your changeless divine heritage and destiny. Go within, ask for help and for Love from those who are watching over you constantly in the spiritual realms, and then open yourselves to receive it.  Release all your doubts and anxieties, they are totally without basis or foundation, because you are all divine beings whose awakening is assured.  To believe otherwise is to embrace and support the illusion and all the fears and anxieties that it promotes.

Meditation loss

Let go, surrender to the Truth of God’s endless and unremitting Love for you as you go within daily to your safe haven, your inner sanctum, where the “Peace that passeth all understanding” awaits you as you prepare to awaken into the bright Light of Reality.

Your loving brother, Jesus.

http://johnsmallman2.wordpress.com/2014/01/20/your-awakening-from-the-illusion-from-the-unreality-in-which-you-have-apparently-been-immersed-for-eons-is-imminent/

Posted in Authors, My Personal Path | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Wishes for Life – Way Beyond a New Year!

Posted on January 13, 2014 by new desert

Hello Folks,

I have been reading the Wisdom of the Enneagram lately, from Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson, and found this uplifting, lovely passage on page 41.

Happy New Life!

 

“Always remember that it is your birthright and natural state to be wise and noble, loving and generous, to esteem yourself and others, to be creative and constantly renewing yourself, to be engaged in the world in awe and in depth, to have courage and to rely on yourself, to be joyous and effortlessly accomplished, to be strong and effective, to enjoy peace of mind and to be present to the unfolding mystery of your life.”

 

Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson

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Year end review – part I

Posted on December 23, 2013 by new desert

Year End Review
Started December 23 @ 1:55 PM

I just finished listening to the recording of the conversation Djwhal Khul and I had on November 25. Thank you very much, Sir, for your advice and insights. Both are very precious to me as we are getting ready to embark into a new 365-day slice of linear time.

I will certainly list below some of the items we discussed, yet I can’t start this review process without mentioning the surrounding silence that is enveloping me nowadays—both from within and in my environment, which seems to be coming to a standstill. And I cannot not mention the fact that I started working with Aruna Byers  two weeks ago. She is an Awakening coach living in Tokyo and my intuition tells me that we didn’t hook up as a coincidence. During the month of November, we exchanged some friendly messages about Japan on Facebook and then, all of a sudden, everything turned around when I asked how receptive Japanese people were to her teachings. Little did I know that she was leading satsangs (communication with Truth sessions) that she learned from her guru Papaji. Interestingly, I knew about Papaji’s mentor, Ramana Maharshi, from Master DK’s April 2013 teaching (thank you for the advance notice, Sir!) but I didn’t know Papaji himself, although the town of Lucknow in India was vaguely familiar to me.

Now what?

I have been listening and paying attention a bit more intently to what comes out of this weird thing called ‘my mind’ and asking, as of last week, those two silencing questions: “Whom are these thoughts for?“ and, in case these thoughts are for the Gilles-body that I physically am, another question, “Who am I?”

The most frequent answer to that last question has been “Divine Consciousness”—which is a mind answer, obviously.

As I said, now what? The mind is still active and ‘things’ are still sipping through, but at a much quieter pace. The experience I had this morning with our greeting cards made me realize that fear is still lurking in the background, although its intensity has diminished drastically to a level where it’s much harder to notice. Is this childhood fear of being scolded, by my mother then or wife nowadays, still alive? How soon will it definitely dissipate? And does the fear make any sense to the Gilles-body that I am?

Time will tell. It is on my side.

Interestingly number two, I gathered some ideas at the beginning of the month for my year-end review but never wrote anything until today. Now I am much more inclined to talk about the incoming year, and the ideas that have burgeoned lately, as I am to talk about what took place in outrageous 2013. Perhaps one of the interesting facets of the fall period was for me to revisit events that occurred more than 20 years ago, and being suddenly able to label them—such is the case of my Dark Night of the Soul experience which took place in November 2001 in Wisconsin. Why did it take me so long to revisit the event and realize that it might have opened an entry door to a different, deeper inner realm? It did, in fact, and that was confirmed by Aruna after she read my story.

The other intriguing occurrence of the last six months of 2013 was this dance of hormones in my body. My level of testosterone went down, my level of prolactin went up (this is the hormone responsible for women’s lactation) and all of this might have to do with the fact that I am parenting, in my own feminine, motherly way; something which hasn’t happened to me till after I hit the half-a-century mark. How interesting! The notion of spiritual androgyny has been introduced to me and it deserves a bit more attention, knowing I seemed to have regained weight lately, out of nowhere, again.

An idea that stuck with me in my conversation with DK is, as he put it himself, this prospect of “helping people reframe their lives.” A new person, a new companion entered my life in November, and we may be doing a bit of spiritual companionship together in the New Year; I am certainly looking forward to that, as a way to both help her and learn more about Life. Developing “spiritual curiosity” is definitely an area I would like to explore with her, and anyone else interested; I believe she’s ready for it and willing to take a big dive.

Will this idea eventually turn into a workshop? Pourquoi pas? Why not? It would certainly help me deepen my desire and continue my work of “helping people see;” see what their lives is made up of, and see how much difficulty societal programming has created in their lives.

Buddhists conceive of enlightenment as having two qualities: a quiet mind and a Self empty of programming.

What a nice, arduous peak to consider climbing!

mount rainier july22

[Full Moon over Mt. Rainier, Washington state, July 22, 2013. Photo Kathy Yates. Reproduced with permission.]

Nine years down the road, I am amazed how current the mission statement I wrote then is:

2004 Mission Statement

“With patience, love, courage and compassion,
I will guide and empower
myself and others
to discover and access
that place of goodness
and meaning
that resides within,
and act from it.”

This is part I, folks, to be continued before the end of the old year. Stay tune!

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Hello Gratitude!

Posted on November 29, 2013 by new desert

Hello Gratitude!

It is a good time for practicing gratitude now—as it always been, and will always be—but perhaps more so now because of the impending holiday season. Many people may feel bluesy at a time where the mad (shopping) rush has started; it certainly did start in the US and today is a seriously ‘black’ day (Black Friday). This is a frenetic, sometimes violent rush which is lacking any spiritual connotation or meaning. We are part of it, in our own way—especially when it comes to Lindt chocolates!—but it doesn’t mean we are getting up at 4:00 AM on Black Friday, or queuing up outside a store for hours. Come to reflect on it, it must be pretty painful to be devoured by materialistic consumption. I send my heartfelt compassion to those who wobble in it blindly—to the point they find a so-called pleasure or excitement in it.

On a deeper level, after a long period of silence, I am asking myself about the meaning of all what I sensed and experienced during the past few weeks, since I last wrote on October 10. There were some intense moments of discovery and enthusiasm, especially when I came across the Biology of Kundalini site developed by Jana Dixon (Gratitude to you, Jana)

http://biologyofkundalini.com/

I was picked up and transported by intrepid curiosity, and entertained a thirst to know more as some of my life events took on a different perspective—especially the dark night of my soul which took place long ago in a different land (read state). I bought Jana’s book, read a bit about it, couldn’t find the answers I was looking for (about the biological changes that I have been experiencing in the past six months) and suddenly lost all interest in that specific search. How intriguing! The answers to my query are there, somewhere in me, and that is why I no longer search: they will bloom in the glory of my life whenever the appropriate spring time rings in.

Many other smaller pieces are coming back to me now, naked of the emotional intensity they carried at the time they took birth. A small example is that of a woman who worked at a client’s location in Paris and who sort of “kicked us out” of a business deal in favor of her previous employer. It wasn’t a very painful experience then, more of a surprise, and yet I always wondered why it took place. I recently got reconnected—mystically enough—with this person via LinkedIn and sent her a friendly message to which she responded; and even offered to connect her with one of our friends in the new place where she now lives. How interesting are these little spiritual pebbles on the road as we approach the end of another year! I see those as a good opportunity to finally disregard—or burry, if you will—what no longer serves us. Certainly this “woman in Paris” event didn’t serve us, except for being an avenue to reflect, question Life, and eventually move forward. Gratitude to you, “woman in Paris”!

Yesterday, there was what I would call “interesting negativity” in my life; nothing new in terms of the messages my mind was brewing and serving me, but I deeply questioned why it was so, and why it occurred one more time. Why is it that my mind needs to remanufacture what it already served me? What purpose does it serve since I didn’t fall into its trap the first time?

Even though I didn’t get any answer—I assume the answer is there but I can’t see it yet—, I feel this is a useful process that allows us to ‘corner our mind’ into yet another of its limitations. I invite you, my friends, to practice this ‘spiritual curiosity,’ this intense questioning, and see what happens, or what kind of response you get.

And then, as the Universe would have it, my eyes came across the Eckhart Tolle’s November quote that appears on the wall calendar I bought early this year.

“Whenever there is negativity is you, if you can be aware at that moment that there is something in you that takes pleasure in it or believe it has a useful purpose, you are becoming aware of the ego directly. The moment this happens, your identity has shifted from ego to awareness. This mean the ego is shrinking and awareness is growing.”

Eckhart Tolle

I can’t tell that I am fully aware of that “something in me” that is taking (sadistic) pleasure in sending me dark messages, or thinks what it does has a useful purpose, but it nicely dovetails with my questioning; sort of the icing on the cake. Gratitude to you, my friend Eckhart!

And today we enjoy a clear blue sky. I can see beautiful white clouds in the distance that are flying low. It feels like a white lining covering the horizon, right behind the trees. This is indeed a beautiful day to be alive.

Gratitude to you, Life!

Many thanks for sustaining us living beings, as well as our living environment.

Please find below an amusing picture—very appropriate at this time of the year!

life

Posted in General, My Personal Path | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Virginia’s Dark Night of the Soul

Posted on November 10, 2013 by new desert

Dear Gilles,

I am so grateful you pointed me to your blog and the posting of the Dark Night of the Soul. Yes, Gilles, I too have experienced it and share below the first chapter of my book, A Mantle of Roses: A Woman’s Journey Home to Peace (Xlibris 2004).

Chapter 1

I’LL NEVER FORGET August 15, 1979. It was hot and sultry, not uncommon for August in New England. I was at work at the Pepperidge Farm Mail Order Company in Clinton, CT, going through a particularly grueling morning when, at 11:15, the receptionist buzzed me. My brother, Bobby, was on the line. “Ginge,” he said, his voice strained, “can we have lunch? Janna won’t see me.”

I cradled the phone in my neck, trying to sort through papers while I listened to my brother. My boss came into my office motioning that he needed me right away. “Bobby,” I said, “I’m not even eating lunch today. It’s crazy around here.” “But I need to see you,” he said. Ten years my junior, Bobby treated me like a second mother and often turned to me for help.

“How about next week? Can we meet then?” “Okay,” he said, sounding disappointed. “If you don’t have time, I’ll wait.” There was a pause. He said nothing for a moment. Then he said, “I really need to see you today. But if you don’t have time, I’ll wait.” I went about my day, thankful that I had time to do my work without interruption.

The next morning the phone rang at 5:30 a.m., startling me awake. Through my half asleep state, I heard my mother’s voice, breaking. “It’s about Bobby . . . He was killed last night by a drunk driver on Avon Mountain. Dad is on his way to identify his body at the morgue.”

An unexpected sound escaped from my mouth to voice the shock, the pain and yes, the denial. No, no, it can’t be true. These things don’t happen to us, they happen to other people. I was numb with shock. The memory of the previous day’s conversation came flooding back to me in a rush—how could it be? I didn’t believe it. I started screaming. My screaming woke up my stepdaughter, Amanda. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

I couldn’t stop screaming. Oddly, it occurred to me that I had never screamed like that before. It surprised me. I didn’t know I had it in me. Haphazard memories flooded in of Bobby’s life and our relationship. I was the oldest and he the youngest in a family of four children. I was his second mother as I was often left in charge when my parents went out of the house. So we had a bond that came from the lullabies I sang to him as I rocked him as a child, from the stories I read to him. He turned to me for emotional help often as he had turned to me yesterday. And I hadn’t been available. It was the screaming of guilt, flying out from deep within.

I was unable to take in the enormity of Bobby’s life ending. A cold dread enveloped me as we drove the hour to my Grandfather Pop’s house that morning where the family gathered. We all sat there, alternately staring in disbelief and holding each other. We were crying, broken, bereft, but still not quite believing. The details of the accident started dribbling in—a drunken driver . . . 60 mph . . . killed instantly.

The doorbell rang. It was my oldest friend Pam with a casserole of macaroni and cheese, freshly baked from the oven. We hugged, wordless. I thanked her for the act of kindness. After I helped myself, I took a bite and found I couldn’t swallow it. How strange—my most rudimentary of human reflexes was suspended.

The phone calls came in from people far and wide. Loved ones, friends, acquaintances, Bobby’s friends . . . all unbelieving . . . could the worst be true? Bad news travels fast. People came from Bobby’s circle which extended beyond our town to the medical school community where he had finished his first year that June. Friends came from Amherst College, his alma mater, his medical school and from Kingswood-Oxford School, a private school all four of us children had attended and where Bobby had taught math and science during the two years previous to medical school. My father came in after he had identified Bobby’s body. Now we knew it was true.

He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t cry either. He crumpled into Pop’s favorite chair. The silence dragged on among us. It was as if the rest of us weren’t there. He was in his own world and we were cut off from him. I watched the second hand on Pop’s grandfather clock tick away, for hours it seemed, as people came and went to offer comfort and support. When would this day ever end? When it did, would I wake up and realize this was a bad dream?

I sleepwalked through the two days before the funeral. My son, Tad, came home after climbing Mt. Washington with his dad, Tom. My heart broke open again as I told them what had happened and saw how upset they were. On the day of the funeral, my friend, Susan, drove three hours to stand in the church driveway as we drove in, her face full of compassion and concern. We didn’t say anything, we just held one another. Then I saw Janna, Bobby’s girlfriend. I turned my back on her angrily, remembering how Bobby was so upset by her refusal to see him. Walking into the church, I was stunned by the numbers. The church held 2,000 people. So many were here mourning one so young. The words the Episcopalian priest spoke that day were simple but challenging for me.

Our prayers this morning for Robert Burrough Swain III express to God our gratitude for this open, lovable, committed young man . . . But there is another intercession that I fear each of us must offer in a manner that best suits himself or herself. Intercession is needed for understanding and explanation of this tragic event. Why did this have to happen to Bobby? Is there no standard of fair play in life?

Has God no control over the world that He so lovingly created? Has He no heart that can express itself in what for Him would be some insignificant event, but for us a catastrophe? Does life end just like that with nothing permanent or different left in the world because Bobby was here? I can’t answer your questions. I can only ask the questions that I seek answers to. But they come crowding in upon us at a time like this—confusing, depressing, and endless questions. And I am sure that none of us can, this morning, find any answers to them. But this flood of questions can perhaps force us to take that leap of faith into the unknown, trusting our deepest emotions and convictions regarding the shape of that creative power that designed the universe . . .

I did not trust my deepest emotions and convictions about God. I didn’t even know what a leap of faith was. When I left the church to go home after our family gathering, I had no resources, no previous experience to help me to cope with tragedy. I was stripped bare. Nothing in my belief system offered me comfort or solace. I didn’t have a personal relationship with God. I’d never felt so low. In the months ahead, the depression lasted, punctuated by loud outbursts and fits of crying. My family, my friends—everyone was estranged by my anger, even my mother. I sealed myself off from the world I had known.

In the next year I was to experience two more deaths—the deaths of my marriage and of my father. I even contemplated my suicide, angrily planning to drive my car into a cement abutment on Route 95. My mother called my therapist. I was angry at her for doing that, not even seeing how concerned she was. Either I was angry or I was crying. My anger erupted everywhere. And then there were the long moments of uncomfortable silence when I was alone in despair and it made me crazy. I took long walks on the beach near my home on the Connecticut shore, planning how fast I would drive my car into the cement abutment on Route 95. I was convinced no one understood or cared about me. I cut off all my relationships—nobody could approach me. I was hanging on to life by a thread, obsessed by the thought of death, angered by incredible loss.

In retrospect, I see now that this was the beginning of my spiritual journey. It was this darkness, so bleak, this emptiness, so vast, which began my search for a personal relationship with God.

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The Sonnets to Orpheus, II, 29 — Rainer Maria Rilke (in English and French)

Posted on October 24, 2013 by new desert

The Sonnets to Orpheus, II, 29 — Rainer Maria Rilke

Silent friend of many distances, feel
how your breath enlarges all of space.
Let your presence ring out like a bell
into the night. What feeds upon your face

grows mighty from the nourishment thus offered.
Move through transformation, out and in.
What is the deepest loss that you have suffered?
If drinking is bitter, change yourself to wine.

In this immeasurable darkness, be the power
that rounds your sense in their magic ring,
the sense of their mysterious encounter.

And if the earthly no longer knows your name,
whisper to the silent earth: I’m flowing.
To the flashing water say: I am.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~

(Ahead of All Parting, ed. and translated by Steven Mitchell)

Sonnet XXIX

Ami silencieux des nombreux lointains, ressens,
combien ton souffle a élargi l’espace.
Dans la charpente des sombres carillons
accepte de sonner. Car, ce qui vit de toi,

deviendra une force par cette nourriture.
Dans cette transformation, sors et puis entre,
Quelle est ta plus douloureuse expérience ?
Si le boire est pour toi amer, deviens vin.

Sois en cette nuit de démesure
force magique à la croisée de tes sens,
de leur étrange rencontre la signification.

Et si le terrestre t’a oublié,
dis à la terre calme: je coule.
à l’eau rapide dis: je suis.

http://www.espritsnomades.com/sitelitterature/rilke/rilkerainermaria.html

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I love the dark hours – Rainer Maria Rilke

Posted on October 16, 2013 by new desert

This evening, as I opened my message box and read this poem, it felt like Grace had penetrated somewhere in me. This is such a profound message after my post about The Dark Night of My soul.

 

I love the dark hours – Rainer Maria Rilke

I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood.

Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another life that’s wide and timeless.

So I am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living roots
embrace:

a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~

(Rilke’s Book of Hours: Love Poems to God, translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy)

darkness before light

Pour ce qui est de la traduction en français, que je n’ai point trouvée, l’avertissement ci-dessous me rendra des plus prudents; et je m’y emploierai à trois fois plutôt qu’une !

« Rilke tenait pour une trahison de sa poésie toute traduction qui ne restituerait pas en même temps que sa pensée, le mouvement intérieur, le rythme et la musique de l’original. Se contenter d’un mot à mot, si minutieux fût-il, c’était à ses yeux dépouiller l’œuvre d’une partie essentielle d’elle-même en la ramenant au plan secondaire de l’analyse, c’était substituer à un corps vivant une figure de cire, un cadavre glacé. »

http://www.espritsnomades.com/sitelitterature/rilke/rilkerainermaria.html

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